Humour no Jutsu
by your-own-personal-Jesus
Summary: Half of Konoha's forces forced into group therapy? Involves most of the Naruto cast, a lightheartened storyline and lots of stress relieve. Chapter 2 up.
1. Chapter 1

**Humour no Jutsu**

Standard disclaimers apply.

This story is an adjusted version of the one I posted about 13 months ago. It had little success, perhaps because of the timing but it might have been the randomness of events I put into it or my lame pen name. I thought the writing style could use some patching up as well.

About the storyline; it does not fit in at a special part at the series thus you needn't fear any spoilers. If you want a context anyway, then just imagine this taking place just before our beloved Sasuke left the village. Also, the fight on the hospital roof didn't happen, this way I can avoid the tedious angst, which isn't in place in a humorous fic anyway.  
I use the most known characters, but especially the ones I find intriguing.  
The whole idea is just to present you a light-heartened story. Enjoy!

**Chapter I ; Meet the first patients!**

"Perverts!" the decidedly female screech reverberated throughout the village, bringing wistful smiles over many a geezer's wrinkled faces and a wince of sympathy from Kakashi, who had already learned the hard way that he had best to get his dose of perverted pleasure from his questionable booklets instead of hoping to catch a glimpse of the "heterosexual male paradise" otherwise known as the Konoha hot springs. While these hot springs were widely known for their attractive clientele, they were just as much a life-size death trap for any heterosexual male not completely in control of his hormones. All too familiar with this was Konoha's residential self-proclaimed super-pervert who was, as we speak, running for his sorry excuse for a life. This time, however, he wasn't alone.  
Naruto was running for his life, side by side with a grinning old hermit, while being chased through and around the village by a pack of really pissed-off screaming and barely dressed females.

"Damn, you freaking pervert! How many times does this have to happen before you'll understand that peeking into the hot springs, while dressed up as a spring cleaner, isn't going to work!"

An aggravated Naruto looked up at his now panicking, said to be, sensei. "Whatever brat, just don't stop running" was Jiraya's form of an eloquent reply.

The two figures turned a corner only to duck into a side ally which got passed about a second later by a group of scantily clad women, some of them holding various forms of lethal weaponry ranging form viciously sharpened hair pins to the bane of manhood itself, yes you guessed it right, pointed high heels. Don't think high-heels are all that dangerous? Well, I'd like to see your expression when having your family jewels get introduced to them.  
Master and student alike shuddered at the thought of those aquiline tips before letting out a deeply relieved breath. Common enmity forgotten in the wake of their bond as colleagues in perverseness, they went straight to the local ramen bar. Bystanders shot questioning looks as the strange duo dropped themselves exhausted into the bar muttering about the preservation of their potential offspring.

* * *

"Sasuke-kun?" Sakura had been spending the last 6 hours looking for her target for marriage. She wasn't even near giving up.

"No way in hell", cheered inner Sakura. Sakura's charming alternative personality apparently didn't have the words "serenity", "contemplation" and "submissiveness" in her psychological dictionary. Nobody's perfect though, Sakura herself wouldn't recognise a hopeless situation when it came up in her face and socked her soundly on the nose.

Since Naruto had been sent on a mission with Jiraya-sama, Pinky, as Kakashi often referred to her, and Sasuke were to handle all the missions which were given to team 7.  
All those fun D-ranked missions, every one of them as useless and humiliatingly easy as the previous one, sure filled them with a warm, fussy feeling of how appreciated they were. Getting these generally condescending assignments ("Team 7, you'll be cleaning the sewer this afternoon.") did have an upside though. As the D-ranked missions were usually accomplished within half a day's work, they both had a substantial amount of spare time. This kind of period was actually labelled as "Training Time" or "Team-bonding Happy-hour". Seeing as she had a choice between these two, Sakura opted for the team-bonding. Considering Kakashi's total unreliability concerning showing up on time for appointments or rendezvous alike and Naruto's absence, she opted to invest all of her time in chasing down the year's number one rooky and survivor of the noble house of Uchiha, Uchiha bloody Sasuke for a little session of "Team-bonding Happy-hour".  
Last phrase's keyword being "chasing", since the prodigy preferred his "silent-brooding-hour", which he thought of as mandatory for all avengers.

After another 2 hours of running over town and calling out her flame's name, she collapsed onto the nearest curve. A women going out of the baker's almost tripped over the resting body of Sakura. "Oi, young lady!", she said while poking the immovable girl on the ground, "You still alive?"  
Sakura grunted and mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "Sasuke, not there, I'm not ready" in her sleep.

"oh, how adorable" the woman muttered, and she chose not to disturb the young girl in her sleep. Instead, she smiled benignly to the kunoichi's unconscious form and walked home, all the way sporting a melancholic expression. Seeing the girl had reminded her about a crush she once had on a certain Jounin. Her fading form could be heard murmuring in a dreamy voice "Ah Gai, my shy virile furry green beast".

Sasuke himself just came round the corner when he noticed a pink haired girl, that looked very familiar, lying quite dishevelled on the curve while people unsuccessfully tried not to fall over her. He also couldn't help but notice the rather substantial puddle of saliva pooling forth from her parted lips. Nothing more than a "hmf" came out of the uchiha's mound. And so the youth walked past, totally ignoring her as he went to the bakers for a loaf of bread.  
Stoic prodigy or not, you still got to eat.

* * *

"Kakashi, I challenge you to a duel!" yelled an energetic middle-aged jounin with humongous black eyebrows and a hidious haircut which would have looked quite dashing about 500 years ago, give or take a few decennia.

Knowing from experiences past that there was simply no way out of it, team 7's sensei gave in after an audible sigh. "... What are the rules this time, Gai?", The tall jounin sighed, knowing he'd probably live to regret this. At least the copy ninja could try to limit the damage. "It better not be that game called ; "Catch the sprinkler's water drops",  
And I do not want to participate in a challenge of drinking the most past-dated milk either, got that?"

Kakashi gave an involuntary shudder thinking back to this last "challenge". It was more an act of stupidity following a previous challenge, namely the infamous "Sake-drinking-contest".

He still got sick when confronted with a milk carton.

"No," was the capricious idiot's reply, "it's a challenge which I invented yesterday! In fact, I came up with this when finishing my self-imposed house-of-toothpicks challenge" Gai seemed to burst trying to contain his giddiness.

Kakashi, himself already well-acquainted with foregoing bursts of Gai's rampant imagination braced himself for impact feeling something dim-witted approaching. A telltale sign of this was his stupidity sensor giving off a blaring 'RED ALERT' before magically sprouting legs and running for its life.  
In these instances, Kakashi felt grateful for having insurance as Gai had impulsiveness down to a science, usually making sure none got away unscathed.

"It's a game where we toss a bunch of wooden or plastic sticks upon a bundle..." (Gai's voice was reaching a peak) "and then we will, one by one, pull a single stick out. The one that makes the bundle shift or collapse, loses!"  
Gai had his giant saucer-like eyes filled to the brim with expectation aimed at his rival while he was trying to keep his breath from becoming too erratic, because if that was to happen, he would start to hyperventilate again which would subsequently lead to having to do 50 push-ups with his tongue just to burn off all the excess oxygen. Gai wasn't a very picky man, but the taste of sand wasn't all that high on his culinary list.

Kakashi took his time while thinking over what Gai had said and finally made a move just before Gai would get a heart attack from his ever increasing excitement.

He opened his jacket and took out a small plastic wrapping which contained several coloured wooden sticks. On the side of the package was a ticket that read ; MIKADO. Gai stood flabbergasted when Kakashi calmly asked, "So you want to play a game of Mikado huh?"

An hour later Gai loudly cursed his rival's very existence, proclaiming a rather offensive creature had relieved itself in the other jounin's gene pool amongst other things, only to end with a rather lame accusation. "Kakashi, you're cheating!"

Gai went on with his rant, "You deliberately pulled the one perpendicular to mine so that I cannot make a move without the whole thing falling over! That's cheating!" Kakashi sighed while contemplating if it was even worth the trouble of explaining to Thick-brows sr. that this was the game's goal all along. Apparently, not just his eyebrows merited the adjective "thick".

They decided to settle the whole argument by a drinking contest which ended in a draw, leaving Konoha with two nigh comatose jounins and a substantial liquor shortage.

**

* * *

**

**AN** : This is an introduction of some sorts of some of the future Konoha mental patients. Although this chapter might seem completely random, it is not, fear not people, there is a plotline!

So, what did you think of this?  
Have remark about grammar, spelling, layout or writing style in general?  
Got some ideas you want to see realised?  
Have a suggestion pertaining to one of the characters?  
Wish to see a character of your choice or maybe even a pairing? But do keep in mind that this is humour!

Then you know what to do, R&R, even if you hate this, please explain _why_. Else there is little chance of improvement.


	2. Chapter 2

Standard disclaimer applies, I'm sure you know the drill.

AN; hello and welcome to the second chapter. I'd like to see some reviews people, according to my stats the story so farhad about 90 hits but no review whatsoever.Even if you don't like it, it would be a major help to know what is wrong with it and where to improve! That being said, on with the story!

Chapter 2 ; First Session

"Kukuku" this strange sound travelled through a cabin nearby hidden sound village. The sound was supposed to express a person's happiness, and by proxy alleviate negative emotions of others. Instead, created chills around his subordinates.

"Orochimaru-sama", the grey-haired missing nin who went by the name Kabuto was clearly nervous around the snake-senin's presence. His voice was hesitant. Seeing his master's clam skin and gaunt appearance reminded him of their defeat in Konoha, which left Orochimaru with two useless arms and a very nasty temper, even for him.

"What is it?" the leader of the Sound didn't seem pleased at all with the interruption keeping him from his favourite activity. He turned his head from the operation table, letting his hands hang lifelessly on the table, and gave his right-hand an impatient look. Despite looking like a harmless and sickly patient, his voice still carried with it the promise of pain and suffering, his snake-like pupils dilated yet burning with untold malice.

Kabuto gulped audibly. Sealed off arms aside, intruding upon Orochimaru's spare time wasn't an activity considered healthy by anyone.  
"forgive me my interruption, Orochimaru-sama, I know how much you enjoy watching rat races, but this requires your immediate attention..." Kabuto glared for a moment at the rats as he never liked the dirty rodents. They reminded him of himself, grovelling at his master's feet just to be played as a puppet. A valuable puppet at that.

"It appears that Jiraya-sama and the nine tails kid are travelling through a nearby village, looking for the legendary kunoichi of the three."

"What!", Orochimaru's interest was now completely focused on his faithful servant. "Are you certain of this?" At his servant's affirmative nod, the gears in his head started shifting. Tsunade was considered by many the best medical expert, and Orochimaru never was one to leave such an opportunity unexploited. Already he had planned out a bargain which she would be hard-pressed  
to decline.  
But facing her in his present state held some severe risks. Should things get ugly and Tsunade be swayed into accepting the now vacant position of Hokage, he could find himself facing off against his ex-team mates. He was confident in his abilities, but realistic in his situation. Fighting them as he was now, the best he could hope for was a stalemate. He could just transfer bodies at the cost of having to postpone his master plan for roughly 3 years. But should he succeed in persuading her…

"Good, we will depart in an hour, get prepared!" The senin tapped his feet and within a minute all the rats were devoured by a couple of vicious snakes. Having his arms sealed really did a number on him, he had to resort to tapping his foot in order for his snakes to be called forth, which he didn't find all that fitting with his image as a legendary s-class missing nin. A dry chuckle filled the basement, terrifying the guards standing in front of the door. "One way or another, Leaf will crumble!"

X

It was a beautiful day in Konoha, missions were slow since the village was still recuperating from the Sound attack, two weeks prior. Most genin teams used this period of peace for some much needed training, and teams from Naruto's year weren't an exception.  
"GODDAMN ! KIBA!" this shrill scream sent most of the nearby genin in fits of laughter. "Hey, Shikamaru! It seems that Kiba hit Kurenai again." Ino said to Shikamaru. He was laying drowsily in the grass, staring up at the clouds and turned his pineapple-like head towards his team mate. The Nara heir only grinned, the image of Kurenai getting hit by the feared 'dynamic marking' technique flashing through his substantial brain. "You'd think she would have learned to take an umbrella with her every time she goes to check up on Kiba's progress…" he murmured. However amusing, a drenched Kurenai, reeking of dog urine, couldn't capture his attention for more than half a minute. His contented snoring followed soon after.

Chouji laid face-down on the ground, surrounded by a vast amount of empty plastic bags, cartons, candy wrappers, bones, soda cans, napkins and fish grates. Observing the damage, Ino deducted from the carnage that her fat friend wouldn't be up for at least 5 ours. She didn't even have to look back to know pineapple-head wasn't about to stand up and train all too soon. Since training on your own when your team was supposed to operate together flawlessly like the inner workings of a clock, she excused herself and sauntered away.  
Sarutobi Asuma, honoured leader of team 3 felt pretty down at the moment, watching the female part of his team squat off towards Konoha's shopping district, while daintily stepping over Shikamaru's sleeping form and passing a knocked out, drooling Chouji. Yep, down wasen't even the accurate description of how he felt right now.

X

In the Hokage's office were the two council members desperately trying to get through a huge bundle of paperwork. Both were really getting tired as the humongous pile just didn't seem to get smaller no matter how hard they worked. "You know," the man said while turning to the female council member "I wish the new hokage would finally show up, I can't do this forever you know." "What? You shouldn't be the one complaining, I'm the one that should complain,…" The man already knew what would follow and he soooo regretted opening his mouth to voice his one complaint. He watched his companion taking a deep breath exasperatedly.

"I've got water in my joints, my back has a few hernia's, my grandson's grandson is becoming a father today, I left the light on in my bedroom this morning, my back hurts, I also lost my contacts when I was cooking soup for us, I didn't sleep good, the air-conditioning is broke, my back hurts, I don't like the food this time of the season, the humidity in this room isn't good for my delicate skin, my back hurts, and there was a contact lens in my soup,…"

The woman kept on rambling about her inconveniences as the man desperately tried to block out the monotone voice by sticking two pens in his ears and focusing really hard on the paperwork. After half an hour the woman finally stopped nagging. The man curiously looked up from his work and noticed she had fallen asleep, her wrinkled hands laid passively besides her and saliva dripped from the corner of her mouth, all the while she sported a content expression. A big sweat drop rolled from the back of his head. "unbelievable".

X

Konoha was a large village, as such it had its own hospital, administrative office, hot springs, prison, shopping district,… the works. It just so happens that a ninja's life is often marked by overly stressful situations and traumatic experiences, to provide adjusted assistance when necessary, Konoha had a special group that specialised in organising meetings between troubled individuals to help them help each other. This group held sessions about two times a week and most of its members came voluntarily although there were always exceptions who were still in denial or just did not realise the severity of their acts.

It did not help that the group meetings took place in a building adjacent to the village's sanatorium; "Stay Stay Paradise" and the fact of the all the windows facing said building, presenting the nins with a view on what could become their permanent place of residence should the psychoanalyst deem them far along enough, did not help smooth matters.

We'll be joining this group for the week's first session.

Over twenty different nins from all ranks were seated in a circle, their faces respectfully pointed towards one pale brother in arms who stood reluctantly. After an encouraging nod from the counsellor, he inhaled deeply and started his confession.

"My name is Hyuga Neji and I have a problem." An applause sounded as Neji hesitantly made this statement. His words were followed by a chorus of well minded support, all varying from "Let it out, son!" to "My brother in misery! Share you're youthful pains with the master of drama, Konoha's residential green beast, me , Maito Gai!".  
Also, a round of small-time applause reverberated in the white room.  
It was now 1 week since he was forced into therapy by the main family to treat his grudge and also his superiority complex, well not so much the superiority complex… since that came with being a Hyuuga. Neji stood in front of the circle while the other patients respectfully held their conversations. In this group was Kiba for his strange urge to piss on people, Anko for her sadistic personality, Gai, who was just released from hospital, had a problem with alcohol and his urge to challenge people and a bunch of younger girls who were all victims of their obsession with Sasuke.  
These were the less serious cases, the more disturbed patients could not be treated alongside others. The required some specially adjusted treatment and social contact during these sessions held a significant chance of severe setbacks.

The group therapist for this week was none other than Iruka, who took this next to his poorly paid teaching job.  
"So Neji, would you like to explain your problem to us? Don't be shy, we're all here to help each other."

A venomous look appeared on the prodigy's features, he did **not** appreciate any implied connection between his behaviour and the word 'shy'.  
And after glaring to each and everyone in the room and assuring himself he looked in no way any less the genius that he was, he began. "Well… I … I don't have a problem." He sat down with a look that dared anyone to prove he was wrong. Iruka sighed, "Neji, if you call wanting to kill half of your family normal, then that is already an issue to begin with." Iruka saw little change in Neji's stoic appearance and wisely decided to move on.

After an hour of open-heartened conversations about deviant behaviour, it was Kiba's turn. He stood up and held his favourite dog close to him, proudly sticking out his chest. "My name is Inuzuka Kiba and I developed this cool technique which accidentally hit Kurenai-sensei again. That's my reason for being here, it's just because my sensei can't take a little joke!" At this, Akamaru let out an affirmative bark, Kiba pouted and sat down. Suddenly a hand raised high above a hideous haircut, "What technique?". Gai had a questioning look on his face. Kiba's immediately lightened up he said, "I'll show it to you Gai-sama!" before anyone could bring in a word in edgeways…  
"DYNAMIC MARKING"

"ARG! It burns!"

Gai was hit straight in his eyes.

"Bull's-eye! Good job Akamaru!"

Iruka felt a depression coming up as he desperately tries to calm the two down.

* * *

AN; R&R folks! (pretty please)


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